Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
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When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
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A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
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This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.
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Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
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Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
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Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
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Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
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Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
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Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
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The First 3 Years of Marriage
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
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Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
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English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?"
Johnny: "2 o'watch."
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This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
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My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day. She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone. She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?"
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The day of the oral exam:
Teacher: Are you nervous?
Student: No, I am not. I am single.
Teacher: Is this your pencil?
Student: Yes, I am a pencil.
Teacher: What are you wearing?
Student: I am fat.
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These are true stories.
Emiko shared a house with an American guy and his dog. Every month, he puts some flea medicine on his dog. One day, when he was putting the medicine, he told Emiko, "This flea medicine is expensive." She was confused and asked him, "Expensive? Didn't you just say it was FREE?"
Emiko went to a sandwich café with her American roommate. A waitress asked what they wanted. Emiko said, "I have a crab sandwich." Her roommate ordered a turkey sandwich. After a few minuets, their orders were ready. They sat at the table and got a bite. After a bite, Emiko showed her sandwich and said, "There is no crab." "What do you mean? You've got ham, bacon, and…," with a big smile on his face, he said to Emiko, "You wanted to eat CRAB. Not a CLUB sandwich."
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Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."
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JOKES
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
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What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
* Telegram
* Telephone
* Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
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If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
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A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
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"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
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A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?! ______________________________________
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
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A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
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Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
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A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
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A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
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Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
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Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
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These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
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Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
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This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
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Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
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Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
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Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
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The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
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Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
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ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
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A young man comes before a customs agent. A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"
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Anecdote -- presented to me, by a student, as a true story
(might be used for introducing a phonology lesson):
The teacher was beginning the lesson and noticed a student dozing.
She said sharply, "Taro, are you _ready_?"
Taro, jolted to attention, replied, "No! I'm _man_!"
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Here's an old joke (revamped for EFL classes).
Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop.
"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"
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Two old men were sitting next to each other on the London subway (tube). Their hearing wasn't so good.
One says, "Is this Wembley?"
"No," the other says, "It's Thursday."
The first replies, "No thanks, I already had a drink."
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A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
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